Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Aaah! You hairless apes have started another war! Death destruction violence mayhem-I love it! Mainly because all this is done in His name, while the enemy is always me-silly! I guess that's what makes me better than Him, I don't ask any one to kill in my name, I just provide a destination for those who kill in His name!
But what saddens me is when I see the children killed. To me, a dead child is automatically His. There are no children in Hell, no matter what Pat Benatar sings! A dead child does not get to grow up and become corrupted by my evil ways. A dead child does not get to experience the joys of life that will lead to here! I wish they'd stop killing the little children and get back to killing each other! The more you kill in His name the more likely you are to wind up here.
I also find it humorous that you hairless apes would think that He would choose sides. For some unknown reason, He loves (yecch) you all. Don't ask me why, I find you all to repulsive, barely a step above the monkeys in the zoo. For that is what you have placed yourself in-cages! You are blind to your cages but what you think makes you free instead keeps you confined! Draw lines and divide up the planet and call each other different names does not make for a better world, it makes for more reasons to hate each other! But lucky for me, that hate is what keeps my larder well stocked with fresh souls unable to see that beneath the labels you place upon each other you are all just hairless apes.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Sorry fans! I've been too busy to post as of late. One of my many duties, as you may well know, is programming for the Fox television network. You don't know how many situation comedy pilots I'vce had to watch with doofus dads that have hot teenage daughters and wives equally hot but trying harder to be the cool parent than the good parent. There's not enough aspirin in the world to remove the headache I have-massive!
Then a couple weeks ago, another prestigious visitor came who needed a "proper" welcome-Ken Lay! I took all his vital parts, teeth, eyes, tongue, and others and keep them in a jar on a shelf in my office. if ever he needs them, he must beg (which is hard when you don't have a tongue) me to borrow them so he can, maybe eat, or go to the bathroom! The jar is filled with tabasco sauce, so when he puts them back in-Pain!
Then I had reams of paper work to fill out-too many lawyers down here! When I finished that, it seemed somebody started another war with out clearing it with me-Damned Zionists! This has got all the "Christians" excited, as they think this is the start of the end times.
You know, the Bible warns of false prophets? Well, a lot of people in the United States believe these are truly holy men-as if! These are men who profess to speak with God, if He's too damn busy to take my calls, why would He take theirs? All they are doing is filing their coffers to build churches that glorify not Him, but themselves. If He wanted to build a church, he would just do it! He built the earth for Pete's sake, you think that simple architecture would be no problem! Any rich man who has hand out is just plain greedy!
Well, I hate to leave so soon after being gone so long-busy! I have to go and "edit" the next Ann Coulter book, so I need more sources to plunder!

Monday, April 24, 2006

Osama Bin Laden came up to me madder than a crack ho who just purchased baking soda. It seems Mr. Osama had a complaint. I immediately sent him to the office to fill out a HCF-15C2 form, because what would Hell be without paperwork-filled out in triplicate! Only after had he finished filling out the forms could I then listen to his complaint.
"Lucifer, those people are using me again!"he began. It's against the laws of common decency to use a dead person's likeness for financial benefit, and he was referring to the recent audiotape that popped up purporting to be himself. "I don't know who it is for sure, but I think your son Richard may be involved!" My Son? Richard B. Cheney? Involved in wrongdoing?-of course!
"You know how children are, Ossie," I replied, "No respect for the law nor the dead. But are they benefitting financially from this?"
"Halliburton is making lots of money off the war on Islam."
"Well, as long as they keep me alive with these audiotapes, not made by myself, the war on Islam shall rage forever."
"So what you're saying is that these tapes are like commercials, but instead of having you dance with a vacuum cleaner, they have you make some pronouncement to keep the American hairless apes frightened?"
"Yes, that is it exactly! You can see that in the forms you had me fill out!"
"Oh, I don't read those, we burn those-filling out forms is torture! I invented the 1040! What do you propose I do?" Now he gets real mad because he knows I won't do anything-I'm evil! What does he expect, I should turn on my own son? That's what you get for calling Jehovah Allah! He would do something about I'm sure, but Mr. Bin Laden isn't up there!
So, you know waht I did? I piped the recording into Osama's cell and play it on a loop-forever! Crazy old Muslim!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Scotty McLellan called me today from my son Richard's hotline, telling me he was going to quit his job. Which doesn't matter to me, one way or the other, politicians may deal with me to get that which they crave, Politics isn't really my bag. Which brings me back to Scotty.
Poor Scotty called me up, and first let me say that for a grown man to go by the name of Scotty-strange!But Scotty asked if he could have his soul back-never! When you are in league with Myself, you make a deal, and you cannot welsh on the deal no matter how bad you feel about it afterwards. You gave up your soul so you could stand up in front of the Helldogs of the media and lie to them for the monkiest hairless ape ever to hold a position of power. And now your soul belongs to me and you will suffer eternal torment-love it!
Mr. McLellan is one of those small hairless apes that unable to accomplish anything on his own, stands behind some one who is (somewhat) capable for the sole purpose of making himself feel bigger-shorty! Perhaps they call you Scotty because you never made it to man size-no reneges!
See you soon!

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Pain and torture are more than just my life's work, it's also a hobby of mine-that's why I run the Fox network! Nothing says pain and torture more than foisting the evil there on the unsuspecting American public-they love American Idol! And being a professional, I take my work seriously.
As I have mentioned in previous posts, nothing ticks me off more than when I get a soul down here that's been inured to torture by some hairless ape on the surface who takes my job into their own hands. Of course, I'm speaking of Donald Rumsfeld! The man acts as if he's bucking for my job-sorry taken! You can be as evil as you want, Mr. Rumsfeld, but you're not going to take my job away from-I got a deal with the Man Upstairs!
So it comes as some comfort to know that Donald Rumsfeld is liable for torture . Here I was thinking that it was the monkiest of hairless apes, when Mr. Rumsfeld gets fingered. Of course, way before this was known, Mr. Rumsfeld was scheduled for here as his final destination-he's evil to the core! This just means I'll have to devise new eternal torments for his soul-like listening to John Ashcroft sing! For eternity! After a few months, he'll be Let The Eagle sore- then I can really start to work on him!

Friday, April 07, 2006

Damnation! The word is out! The world was not created by God, but by a lesser evil divinity-Me! The world is just a trap for me to capture divine spirits! Oh, how long I've tried to keep this hidden! Everything you do to prolong your life is all just a trick to keep you wanting of worldly things. And let me tell you, ever since the start of the world, I've come up with some pretty good things to keep you here.
Like fire. That was my first invention, but back then you hairless apes were more like apes than now and so I could use simple things to hold your attention. It only takes a shiny thing!And when your attention became diverted from fire, I showed other things you could use with fire to hold your attention. Cook food, melt rock, the list is endless.
The Gospel of Judas has been lost for 1700 years until it was discovered in the 1970's (of course, I must use your calendar, the Earth is much, much older than that!) After that it passed hands as many men who valued greed more than spirituality bought and sold it-I love it! But now, the word is out-good thing is Christians won't believe it!
Why? Because it is the Gospel of Judas and one thing I did when I found out that Jesus had passed this secret on to him was make sure that he was the most reviled person in Christendom. But Jesus had wanted to die, to toss off the mortal coil and live forever as a divine spirit. That is your destiny!( I can surely print it here as no one ever reads blogs-especially mine!)And the longer I keep you hairless apes here in my domain, the more you become shackled and bound to material things, things a spirit does not need. There are even some of you who would shoot your fellow man lest he try to steal your shiny things from you-evil!
So remember, hate your fellow man because he is different, try to p[rolong death at all costs, and keep buying things!

Monday, April 03, 2006

You Are 96% Evil

You're the most evil person you know.
The devil is even a little scared of you!
See? I'm not all bad!
Jerry Garcia came up to me today, mad as a hatter. It seems that someone had stolen his old toilet. "Man, I left some fairly nasty stains in there,"said the former junk food afficianado, "and I don't want the world to see them." The toilet sold at auction to Goldenpalace.com , an online casino, and was stolen from a driveway, along with three other toilets and a bidet. Apparently the Golden Palace needed a royal throne.
"Man, I hope they at least put a new seat on it," remarked Mr. Garcia.
The hairless apes now practice idolatry, worship of people who are famous, but not necessarily saints-I love it! When you pay $25,000 for William Shatner's kidney stones, that's $25,000 that's not going to Him. Therefore, you have placed William Shatner above Him, and He doesn't like that!
I rather like it myself! Celebrities are the most unholy people on the planet, and to place them above Him-so evil! So when you steal something that belonged to a drug addicted junk food glutton because you have placed him above God-my dreams would be made of this! Two of His Commandments broken means someone is coming here, and you can be assured that I will let Mr. Garcia use their intestines to string his guitar, give him some LSD, and let him solo for a few thousand years.