Friday, March 31, 2006

There are those hairless apes who think they are smarter than me, and would willingly give up their soul for wealth. But the wealth is only temporary-eternal torment is eternal! Money can not buy your way out, there is no way for you to bargain with me to get your soul back!
All humans desire wealth, and the more wealth they have, the more they desire, lest another be wealthier than them. It used to be, people would work hard to attain wealth, but not these days. Today is the age of instant gratification-my idea! They play lotteries or visit casinos, all for the chance to make that one big score. And once you start, it becomes impossible to stop, as that one big pay off could come to-morrow. They are driven by their greed, being wealthy is more important than being intelligent, for very few poor people are intelligent.
Greed makes human do strange things to one another. They would gladly lie and cheat to attain wealth, then try to buy God's forgiveness once they attain it. I have it on good authority that He doesn't take bribes, He only looks for good souls. A soul that is tarnished by greed never comes clean.
A soul that is tarnished by greed is mine!

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Whenever I walk around the United States, I see acres and acres of fat people. Fat little children with fat parents, eating junk food-I love it. I like to take some credit for this because it was I who came up with the Burger King Have It Your Way advertising campaign that unleashed a tide of gluttony on the fools in the US. Gluttony and sloth, fat people eating junk food and then throwing the paper it came wrapped in on the ground because they're too lazy and obese to walk to a trash receptacle. I see it everywhere and it fills me with such a joy that I may cause my bowels to evacuate.
Even more so are the Americans who won't eat certain things. People are starving in some part of the world who would do anything for a slab of bread-but not Americans. Bread has too many "carbs" as they like to call it, and their vanity will not allow them to put on one ounce that they may have to get up of their lazy behinds to work off. Dieting is merely another form of gluttony, depriving oneself of something to make oneself feel better.
And thousands of Americans who dine out at a fancy restaurant have the audacity to tell the master chef that the recipe prepared for them would be better if it did not have one particular item or if another item was substituted for it. This once again plays upon people's vanity because everyone in that country feels they are an expert on everything-read their blogs!
So for those who would deprive themselves of a food item-guess what? When you get down here, that's all you will be offered. In perpetuity! And those who overindulge are forced to eat the very food they over indulged on lest they become buried in it.
Yes, the majority of citizens of the United States come in two sizes-too fat or too thin. They shall never know the true pleasure of eating because they have turned it into something displeasurable. You eat because your body depends on it, that is God's will. I'm just glad that i was to change that for you. You're welcome.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Tonight we welcome Caspar Weinberger as a citizen of Hell-what a party. His old pal Ronald Reagan, his but still sore from the weekend dart tounrnament had a lovely day escorting Caspar around. Mr. Reagan particularly enjoys showing his old friends the Hitler urinal. This is really cool, we have used a jack like device to permanently stretch Adolph's mouth open farther than you would think humanly possible, and we all urinate in it. People of the Jewish faith enjoy this immensely-who said that Hell can't be fun sometimes?
Mr. Weinberger was escorted down here by my son, Richard Cheney, who couldn't stick around too long, lest word gets out about the exact nature of his "undisclosed location". But we hope Mr. Weinberger has a long and torturous stay here-and I'm sure he will!
Sometimes I think this place is filling up too fast with Americans. Americans spend their whole life putting demands on everyone and they think it carries over to the afterlife-wrong. Down here, I'm in charge, and if you don't like it guess where you can go? (Hint:You're already there you American Bozo)
There was a time when the Seven Deadly Sins were taught as something to avoid, now in America, they are celebrated. I don't when they decided they could pick and choose which parts of their faith they could follow, but it's quite funny they choose to have faith at all. Greed, Gluttony, Lust, Vanity, once shunned by decent church going Americans have become the basis for their whole culture. And I know who to thank-me! It all started when I was working advertising back in the fifties. That's when I slowly began to appeal to women's vanity-it worked!
Every guest down here is here for a reason. Those who have offered their soul in a Faustian bargain generally end up in the River of Fire. But for those who end up down here because of a Deadly Sin, I have special tortures worked out for them.
The first thing women want to see when they get down here is a mirror. Of course one of the more subtle tortures for the vain is the absence of mirrors. A whole eternity of a vain person never getting to see how they look-I thought of that! The American women start complaining right away about that, but a couple of jabs in the hindquarters with a pitchfork puts an end to that. Then I bury them neck deep in a compost heap for a couple hundred years and let the worms get to work on them . They burrow in the skin and eat the sweetest parts of the flesh. The apes hands are buried deep in the compost (which is really centuries of worm dung from the millions of vain people sent here for eternity) so they can't brush them away, or scratch when it becomes itchy. After fifty years or so, they stop turning to each other to ask "How do I look?"
But now, the American men are getting into the whole vanity thing as well. I believe it's called the "metrosexual" look. They frequent hat makers, or crow about how "chicks really dig me" without a thought to how vain they are. Yes, I started that as well. Like a dandy, they put gel in their hair, get manicured, things that real men wouldn't have done forty years ago. Everything they do, from the car they drive to the beer they drink has been programmed into their vanity impulses. There is no practicality anymore-image is everything!Looking good is feeling good about yourself, and the better you feel about yourself, the more vain you are.
So I think I need to expand a bit down here. Like I say, there's too many Americans. I wonder if I can start annexing part of Purgatory?

Monday, March 27, 2006

God called me up today, very upset over what one of His hairless apes have done. I can always tell, because He tries to get myself upset as well, so that when the offending monkey arrives down here, I'll have a special treatment lined up for him.
"So, Yahweh, what has upset you today?"
"Oh, it's nothing really. I've noticed that George W. Bush is still torturing people." He knows I don't like humans to torture each other. It take all the fun out of torturing them down here if they're already broken in. "He's turning Bagdad into a worse place than your's, what with all the bombings and killings and fires." This is when I realize that He must really be upset with this Bush monkey. When He starts to try to push my buttons-I hate it! So now I have to figure out just what it is that has the Big Guy so upset.
"So, Yahweh, what did this Bush monkey do to you?" He hates it when I refer to humans as monkeys. So then He proceeds to let it all out. It seems that this Bush claimed he talked to God, which is not unusual, a great number of humans 'talk' to God, when the reality is, they always want something from Him. But like any other site that receives a large number of requests, He just can't respond to every one. So when this Bush fellow claims God told him to invade Iraq, God became angry.
"I never said any such thing. You know I don't get involved in human wars. I can't take sides."
"Do you want me to do something rotten to him?"
"Could you? I'd owe you!"
Sure, that's all I need-more work. Giving the Big Guy a solid like that, it's hard enough coming up with punishment for all these other hairless apes, now I have to come up with something special for one of the monkiest of all the hairless apes? I know his granfather, the Nazi collaborator is down here, hmmmm. What can I do? I'll have to think about that. In the meantime, I've got souls to punish.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Aaaah! Sunday mornings are my favorite times, that's when the best comedies are on the television. The funniest one is of course, the Jerry Falwell Comedy Hour or something like that. The humor is in this one man who tries to pass off all his hate and intolerance as the Word of God! The star of this show, Jerry Falwell, wraps up God's message in things unGodly, like patriotism and nationalism and love for Israel while hating the Jews. He uses terms like "Liberty", while meaning enslavement to his ideals of money grubbing power grabs. Oh, he makes me laugh so!
The star of the show fleeces the poor unsuspecting souls watching the electronic pulse into sending him money-he is indeed a wealthy man! He needs no more money to do God's work, he only likes to live like a rich man, which of course, is a one way ticket to here. Money is indeed the root of all evil, those who crave it as much as Mr. Falwell, while doing so in the name of Him, well, that's my kind of work!
And the intolerance-I love it! Preaching hate in the name of His love, you would almost think that I was there, whispering in Jerry's ear myself. God loves all those damned hairless apes, he doesn't care if your black or white or brown, Heathen, Christian or Muslim, heterosexual or homosexual, he sees in their hearts. If there is evil in your heart, as there is in Mr. Falwell's, no matter how many times you invoke Jesus' name, it is not a magic spell. And so by spreading hate in the name of Jesus, Jerry is doing my work, and for that, he is certain to occupy the mansion right next to my own. For not only has he lured so many people from the path of righteousness in the name of righteousness, he also entertains me so, and I look forward to him to continue to entertain me for the rest of eternity.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Aaaaah! There's nothing like a nice latte as I sit by the river of fire and listen to the wails of souls in torment for eternity to start the morning out in the most delicious way. I'm in a chipper mood today, and I can't quite place my finger on it.
In the United States, there was an awful murder, a wife had shot her husband, and I blieve it was because she was suffering from post-partum depression. Usually, the woman will kill her children, which always depresses me, not because I don't like to see children die, it's because no matter what Pat Benatar sings, Hell is not for children. It is for murderers, however, just ask recent resident Slobodan Milosevic. And that means that this woman is certainly going to join the chorus down here.
The downside to that is murder victims almost always end up up there, with Him. God, I hate Him! He gets to sit up there all day long, angels singing his praises, I hated that! So to me, sitting by the river of fire is my equivalent. And while I'm on the subject of singing praises, all the awful heavy metal music glorifying me-it sucks! They think they're currying my favor by doing so, but all they're doing is asking for a hotter spot down here, the Pit Of Extremely Hot Torment. The Pit is a thousand times hotter than the river itself, and is reserved for those who have displeased me the most.
Well, I must be off. Today we're having a dart throwing contest using six inch yellow jacket bee stingers as the darts. And the dartboard? Ronald Reagan's ass. This day might not be so bad after all!

Thursday, March 23, 2006

I always like the look on Christians faces when they get down here. "Hey! I'm not supposed to be here!" Little do they know that God gave up on them a long time ago, that's why he sent down Mohammed. Then one night in a poker game with Buddha and I, he threw all the Christians in the pot, as a bluff. What was he holding? A pair of threes! So now, Jesus is my doorman and all the Christians who think that they're saving the world for God are really garnering more souls for moi! But don't think I don't appreciate it.
In fact, that's why I sent up Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson. So many people think they're going to follow these clowns into Heaven-wrong! Jerry and Pat have their own little palaces down here for all the work they've done for me, and if they're real good, I might let them torture John Wayne. Or John Wayne Gacy.
And the funniest part is they keep trashing earth, thinking that when the rapture comes they'll be on a cloud with God, but in reality, they'll be down here cleaning up the mess they made with their tongues!

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Today in Hell we were visited by Dick Cheney, on his tour to sell the Iraqi war. Hey, Dick, you don't need to sell me on death and destruction, especially when your killing God's children, the Muslims. Dick is still upset because I didn't take the life of the lawyer he shot, and I told him death is God's thing, I just lead people into temptation and things like that.
Also Ronald Reagan came in to my office to complain again, hey, if he doesn't like watching those movies, he should never have made them! He also wondered if we always had to watch American Idol, to which I responded, why not. He hemmed and hawed about how the show should be about him, but I needed to remind him that these people sing without soul for a reason, right before I took Justin's call about his terrible luck being a singing waiter. "Listen you," I told him, "you only have one soul, and you traded it with me for a chance to be on the show."
Then in the afternoon, God called, and wanted to reschedule the Rapture again, as the unholy Christians are killing all his Muslim children, and he was running low on virgins.Yeah, yeah, yeah, the same old song and dance, Yahweh, perhaps if you spent more time making virgins and less time throwing violent storms at the parts of the world that displease you, you'd have more virgins. So I agreed to pencil it in for April 23, 2010.
Well, I must be off. I need to get my bowling shoes shined. Tonight is bowling with Milosevic. Well, his head anyway. TTFN