Monday, April 24, 2006

Osama Bin Laden came up to me madder than a crack ho who just purchased baking soda. It seems Mr. Osama had a complaint. I immediately sent him to the office to fill out a HCF-15C2 form, because what would Hell be without paperwork-filled out in triplicate! Only after had he finished filling out the forms could I then listen to his complaint.
"Lucifer, those people are using me again!"he began. It's against the laws of common decency to use a dead person's likeness for financial benefit, and he was referring to the recent audiotape that popped up purporting to be himself. "I don't know who it is for sure, but I think your son Richard may be involved!" My Son? Richard B. Cheney? Involved in wrongdoing?-of course!
"You know how children are, Ossie," I replied, "No respect for the law nor the dead. But are they benefitting financially from this?"
"Halliburton is making lots of money off the war on Islam."
"And...?"
"Well, as long as they keep me alive with these audiotapes, not made by myself, the war on Islam shall rage forever."
"So what you're saying is that these tapes are like commercials, but instead of having you dance with a vacuum cleaner, they have you make some pronouncement to keep the American hairless apes frightened?"
"Yes, that is it exactly! You can see that in the forms you had me fill out!"
"Oh, I don't read those, we burn those-filling out forms is torture! I invented the 1040! What do you propose I do?" Now he gets real mad because he knows I won't do anything-I'm evil! What does he expect, I should turn on my own son? That's what you get for calling Jehovah Allah! He would do something about I'm sure, but Mr. Bin Laden isn't up there!
So, you know waht I did? I piped the recording into Osama's cell and play it on a loop-forever! Crazy old Muslim!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Scotty McLellan called me today from my son Richard's hotline, telling me he was going to quit his job. Which doesn't matter to me, one way or the other, politicians may deal with me to get that which they crave, Politics isn't really my bag. Which brings me back to Scotty.
Poor Scotty called me up, and first let me say that for a grown man to go by the name of Scotty-strange!But Scotty asked if he could have his soul back-never! When you are in league with Myself, you make a deal, and you cannot welsh on the deal no matter how bad you feel about it afterwards. You gave up your soul so you could stand up in front of the Helldogs of the media and lie to them for the monkiest hairless ape ever to hold a position of power. And now your soul belongs to me and you will suffer eternal torment-love it!
Mr. McLellan is one of those small hairless apes that unable to accomplish anything on his own, stands behind some one who is (somewhat) capable for the sole purpose of making himself feel bigger-shorty! Perhaps they call you Scotty because you never made it to man size-no reneges!
See you soon!

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Pain and torture are more than just my life's work, it's also a hobby of mine-that's why I run the Fox network! Nothing says pain and torture more than foisting the evil there on the unsuspecting American public-they love American Idol! And being a professional, I take my work seriously.
As I have mentioned in previous posts, nothing ticks me off more than when I get a soul down here that's been inured to torture by some hairless ape on the surface who takes my job into their own hands. Of course, I'm speaking of Donald Rumsfeld! The man acts as if he's bucking for my job-sorry taken! You can be as evil as you want, Mr. Rumsfeld, but you're not going to take my job away from-I got a deal with the Man Upstairs!
So it comes as some comfort to know that Donald Rumsfeld is liable for torture . Here I was thinking that it was the monkiest of hairless apes, when Mr. Rumsfeld gets fingered. Of course, way before this was known, Mr. Rumsfeld was scheduled for here as his final destination-he's evil to the core! This just means I'll have to devise new eternal torments for his soul-like listening to John Ashcroft sing! For eternity! After a few months, he'll be Let The Eagle sore- then I can really start to work on him!

Friday, April 07, 2006

Damnation! The word is out! The world was not created by God, but by a lesser evil divinity-Me! The world is just a trap for me to capture divine spirits! Oh, how long I've tried to keep this hidden! Everything you do to prolong your life is all just a trick to keep you wanting of worldly things. And let me tell you, ever since the start of the world, I've come up with some pretty good things to keep you here.
Like fire. That was my first invention, but back then you hairless apes were more like apes than now and so I could use simple things to hold your attention. It only takes a shiny thing!And when your attention became diverted from fire, I showed other things you could use with fire to hold your attention. Cook food, melt rock, the list is endless.
The Gospel of Judas has been lost for 1700 years until it was discovered in the 1970's (of course, I must use your calendar, the Earth is much, much older than that!) After that it passed hands as many men who valued greed more than spirituality bought and sold it-I love it! But now, the word is out-good thing is Christians won't believe it!
Why? Because it is the Gospel of Judas and one thing I did when I found out that Jesus had passed this secret on to him was make sure that he was the most reviled person in Christendom. But Jesus had wanted to die, to toss off the mortal coil and live forever as a divine spirit. That is your destiny!( I can surely print it here as no one ever reads blogs-especially mine!)And the longer I keep you hairless apes here in my domain, the more you become shackled and bound to material things, things a spirit does not need. There are even some of you who would shoot your fellow man lest he try to steal your shiny things from you-evil!
So remember, hate your fellow man because he is different, try to p[rolong death at all costs, and keep buying things!

Monday, April 03, 2006

You Are 96% Evil

You're the most evil person you know.
The devil is even a little scared of you!
See? I'm not all bad!
Jerry Garcia came up to me today, mad as a hatter. It seems that someone had stolen his old toilet. "Man, I left some fairly nasty stains in there,"said the former junk food afficianado, "and I don't want the world to see them." The toilet sold at auction to Goldenpalace.com , an online casino, and was stolen from a driveway, along with three other toilets and a bidet. Apparently the Golden Palace needed a royal throne.
"Man, I hope they at least put a new seat on it," remarked Mr. Garcia.
The hairless apes now practice idolatry, worship of people who are famous, but not necessarily saints-I love it! When you pay $25,000 for William Shatner's kidney stones, that's $25,000 that's not going to Him. Therefore, you have placed William Shatner above Him, and He doesn't like that!
I rather like it myself! Celebrities are the most unholy people on the planet, and to place them above Him-so evil! So when you steal something that belonged to a drug addicted junk food glutton because you have placed him above God-my dreams would be made of this! Two of His Commandments broken means someone is coming here, and you can be assured that I will let Mr. Garcia use their intestines to string his guitar, give him some LSD, and let him solo for a few thousand years.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

One of my most favorite things that you hairless apes do to each other is think that one hairless ape is better than another, solely based on the color of their skin-I love it! And the mean things they do to each other because of surface differences are what keep me stocked with fresh souls to torment. He doesn't care about skin color, or whether you worship Moses, Jesus, Mohammed or L. Ron, the only thing he sees is the color of your heart-blecch.
So I do my best to stir the hate between the races. I use fear to keep the racists going, unfounded fear works the best, since it is the hardest to dissuade with logic. I even have my son, Richard stirring up the hatred by attacking all those brown skinned people in the Middle East, to keep the Americans scared of "Islamofascists". Of course, when Richard has succeeded in conquering the whole world, it will be mine-YOU WILL BOW DOWN BEFORE ME OR SUFFER IN PAIN!!! The funny part is the Christians who support my deliciously evil war because they think it leads to Jesus coming back-He's not! No, Mohammed will come down when the rapture begins and swoop all His people up to Heaven. So I have a laugh at all the Christians who think they are on the side of goodness when in fact they are the tools of my son-Richard Cheney!
I see also where the racists in the United States don't want to let any more brown skinned Spanish speaking people in their country-good for them! Of course, they won't succeed because the wealthyn people have declared war on all the poor people in the United States. They sit in their Ivory towers while more and more people slip below the poverty level-I love it. Poor people are willing to sell their soul for anything, lottery winnings, pick-up trucks, and I am more than willing to oblige. All I ask is that they give up their soul to me in exchange- I get a bargain! Their life on the surface is temporary-I offer eternal torment!